If These Retro Toys Had Dating Profiles, This is What They’d (Probably) Look Like

Name: Pogo Bal

Age: 52

Work: Bouncer

Bio: Just a fun-loving friend who appreciates life with all its ups and downs. Not to date myself, but my heyday was in the ’80s, and I often feel like the only one without a screen attached to me! I might have a slightly inflated ego, but I’m just hoping to meet someone who still likes playing outside until the streetlights come on. Must love Van Halen. 

Name: Barbara Milicent “Barbie” Roberts

Age: 62

Work: Aerobics instructor, paratrooper, astrophysicist, surgeon, firefighter, veterinarian, baseball player, Chancellor of Germany, beekeeper – name a job, I’ve probably had it! 

Bio: Oh geez, I never know what to write for these things, lol! I’m a high-energy gal, with lots of interests and hobbies. I’m very ambitious, and I’m passionate about traveling, fashion, animals, and my medical career. When I’m not working one of my 200 jobs, I enjoy hanging out in my dream house with my sisters. Let’s go for a ride in my corvette — or take in some nature and go camping! In an on-off, long-term relationship with a guy I Ken-not quit — jealous types need not apply. 

Name: LEGO

Age: 72

Work: CONSTRUCTION

Bio: I WORK WITH BUILDERS ALL OVER THE WORLD, AND I AM POPULAR IN MANY COUNTRIES. MAYBE WE WILL CLICK? HAHAHA. I AM VERY ENTERTAINING, BUT WILL PROBABLY HURT YOU. SORRY BUT YOU NEED TO WATCH WHERE YOU STEP! GOOD AT BUILDING, BUT NOT TECH, CAPS STUCK, SORRy!!!

Name: P. Pretty Princess

Age: Mind your business.

Work: LOL, no.

Bio: As the name says, I am royalty, and expect to be treated as such. If we go for a spin, you should expect to pile on the necklaces, bracelets, and rings because this princess knows her worth, 💯 ! Not here to play games, and I don’t need drama 💅 I’m looking for someone truly worthy of wearing the crown. 👑 💎 💖

Name: Cavity Sam

Age: 56

Work: Currently taking an online nursing course

Bio: I’ve been told I have a magnetic personality, but unfortunately I get sick a lot, and I’m usually just too zapped to socialize. Really hoping to virtually meet some cool friends to share silly memes with, and talk about our favorite moments from Scrubs. "Maybe the best thing to do is stop trying to figure out where you're going and just enjoy where you're at." <3

Name: Bop It

Age: 25

Work: Movement Instructor

Bio: You might have all the moves, but do you know how to put them all together? My forte is telling others what to do, so you’d better have your listening ears ready, or you won’t be able to keep up! I’m super fun at parties.

Name: Speak N. Spell

Age: 43

Work: Linguistics Tutor

Bio: Hello, and thank you for taking a moment to read my biography. I am a spelling teacher with over forty years of experience, and very dedicated to my work. If you message me and there are typos, or other types of shorthand I don’t recognize, I will correct you; but if you give me a chance, you’ll see I can be lots of fun too! I like all sorts of games, like spelling games, word games, and games with letters. I also enjoy music, and have a personal working relationship with Depeche Mode, and various newer electronic artists you probably haven't even heard of.

Name: Lite-Brite

Age: 54

Work: Pixel Artist

Bio: Looking for a rainbow in your sky? I’m a colorful light in the darkness! Let’s get creative together, and agree to wear all our colors out loud. You don’t need to love the spotlight, but you will need to not be intimidated by my shine. 💖

Name: Seymour Saymore

Age: 56

Work: Farmer

Bio: If you have hay fever, this probably isn’t gonna work out, but if ya don’t, we’d love to see some new faces down at the farm! We could go for a spin, and then I’ll introduce you to all the animals. Could there be any better way to spend an afternoon? The horse says, “Neigh.”

Name: Mad Libs

Age: 63

Work: Content Creator

Bio: 

Name: Spirograph Deluxe

Age: 56

Work: Mathematical Engineer, interested in finance.

Bio: Life with me is never boring! With over 22 pieces, there’s a lot here to unpack, but that’s just because I’m DELUXE!!! But seriously, if we match you should be into art, interested in crypto, and be able to hold a conversation with someone who only knows how to go around in circles. Hey, want me to explain Ethereum to you? Don’t worry if you don’t understand, it gets pretty technical.

Name: E.A. Sketch

Age: 61

Work: Illustrator

Bio: Living a life full of twists and turns, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hoping to draw in a creative personality that really knows how to shake things up! Note: I’m not as sketchy irl as I am in this profile pic, haha ;-)

Name: Lincoln Logs

Age: 105

Work: Creative Engineering

Bio: I’m crafty, and I enjoy collaborating with open-minded creative types. Don’t let my age fool you – I’m young at heart, anything but old fashioned, and ready to build something fun, and surprisingly structurally sound. Hoping to meet someone as nostalgic as myself, who appreciates sustainably sourced materials. Let’s build something beautiful together!

Name: Joe

Age: 83

Work: Retired Military Veteran

Bio: Proud to have served this great country. As a retiree, I like to stay active in my community by volunteering at the local VA, and my neighborhood YMCA, teaching yoga classes several days a week. I also oversee a community garden, and we’re always looking for volunteers. Hoping to meet someone with shared interests, and a similar sense of civic duty. I also have several very happy scobys if you’d like one! Kombucha is bae. 

Name: Simon

Age: 43

Work: MIDI Musician / DJ

Bio: What? What more? What more could? What more could you? What more could you want? 👀 😂 💯 🎧 🎶